In today’s show, we’ll dive into the nitty gritty of victim mode: what’s
really happening and why people even go there. If your spouse or if you
yourself ever fall into victim mode you’ll also learn how to deal with
it so that you can find healthier ways of relating to one another and
overcoming the challenges that life brings.
What is Victim Mode? Victim
mode or victim mentality is where a person going through difficult
situations views themselves as a helpless victim unable to do anything
about their circumstances. People with victim mentality blame other
people or outside forces for their suffering and believe they are
helpless to prevent bad things happening[i]. Understanding Victim Mentality To
understand the victim mentality you have to understand the concept
called locus of control (LOC). Internal LOC means that you believe you
have the power to affect situations and circumstances. When you have
this internal LOC you know and understand that your actions determine
how successful you are with regards to the life challenges that arise.
An
external LOC means that you tend to see other people or random chance
as being the driving forces in your life and you likely believe you have
little power over them.
Victim mentality is linked to an
external LOC: people with this mindset believe that bad things happen to
them, and while they are not to blame, they are also powerless to do
anything about it[ii].
If your spouse struggles with this, s/he
also is likely to have very anxious and negative views about themselves
and the world around them. Your spouse probably believes that bad things
happen specifically to them, that their situation is uniquely bad, and
that attempts to help them will fail[iii]. This can lead your spouse to
be passive and apathetic about solving their problems and instead
expecting other people to “rescue” them. Probably you. Victim Mode Becomes Self-Fulfilling This
mentality can often create situations where the person in victim mode
ends up becoming a victim. Think of it this way: if someone expects bad
things to happen, and thinks there is nothing they can do about it, they
will make no effort to prevent bad things from actually happening…
since it is what they were expecting all along. Now you have a greater
risk of victimization and the belief is reinforced because the greater
probability of victimization means something bad is more likely to
happen.
Not only is it self-fulfilling, but when people in victim
mode ask for help, they will often reject other people’s attempts to
help them. They see their situation as hopeless so dismiss any
suggestions of how to solve the problem or even react with
hostility[iv]. This causes the person who was attempting to help them to
withdraw, leading the person with victim mentality to conclude that
they were right all along and they cannot be helped. This is where you
as a spouse may really find yourself running into a brick wall: you
cannot even help your spouse help him/herself. Then There’s Secondary Gains This
is level 2 kind of stuff, so we’re going deeper here. I often ask folks
in counseling — when they’re doing something that appears to be
unhelpful — “How is that actually helpful for you? if you set all
judgment aside for a moment?”
A couple researchers that studied
this argued that people often unconsciously keep themselves in victim
mode because there are some hidden benefits that come along with the
unhappiness it brings. In other words, it kinda works or helps in a
unique way. For example, acting like a disempowered victim may lead to a
spouse showing more affection and attention as they try to comfort the
victim. Or, believing yourself to be powerless may mean that you don’t
have to accept responsibility for the harm you are causing
yourself/others. These are referred to as “secondary gains”: the
beneficial things that come as a result of bad things happening to you.
Note that this is all subconscious: people with victim mentality aren’t delibera…
Superfan Giovanni and Chris Laxamana co-host a special episode that features the funniest black guests to appear on The Adam Carolla Show over the years. Hope everyone is enjoying their Thanksgiving weekends!
9. Why mindset matters with Carrie Veatch, Mindset Coach
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Carrie is a Mindset Coach who helps driven and heart centered souls move through their fears and live a life that they are proud of. She also owns a Gluten Free Travel Business called “For Gluten Sake”. Carrie is obsessed with community, travel, sweating it out daily, her morning coffee and stepping into a regular mindset practice.
Carrie shares why mindset is so important, how you choose to respond to negative things around you is vital, taking moments to talk calmly to yourself when you make poor choices and not sit in a negative space, and so much more!
By focusing on her vocabulary and thoughts, Carrie made a mind shift and was able to eliminate negative self-talk.
Developing a daily mindset practice, which includes waking up and saying a morning mantra, and writing in her gratitude journal, is a simple way that Carrie sets the tone for the day.
For Carrie, “taking the upgrade” means always striving for better, but still knowing that she is good enough where she is!
The Bible Project, feat. Tim Mackie and Jon Collins (Enneagram 5)
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The
Enneagram is a great tool for discovering why we feel the way we feel,
act the way we act, and think the way we think. For Fives, who are
unconsciously motivated by Avarice (or Greed), the Enneagram can help
identify when fear begins to take over and they are operating with a
perpetual scarcity mentality. On auto-pilot, Fives can be inclined to
disassociate and observe from a distance, rather than jumping in and
participating in life.
In today’s episode, Tim Mackie and Jon
Collins from The Bible Project, discuss how the Enneagram has helped
them tackle undiscovered territory in their own temperaments and value
systems, and how learning to name, pay attention to, and honor these
parts of their personality has allowed them to release control of
different parts of their lives and receive every part of what each day
brings.
Tim Mackie is a writer and creative director for
The Bible Project. He has a PhD in Semitic Languages and Biblical
Studies. He wrote his dissertation on the manuscript history of the book
of Ezekiel, with a focus on the Septuagint and Dead Sea Scrolls. What a
total nerd! He is a professor at Western Seminary and served as a
teaching pastor for many years.
Jon Collins is a writer and
creative director for The Bible Project. He has a BA in Biblical Studies
from Multnomah University (where he met Tim). Jon is affectionately
known by the team as the Architect of Ideas. He is a master of making
complex ideas simple and has spent the last decade founding and leading
digital media and marketing companies.
Together, Tim and Jon founded The Bible Project.
The Bible Project is a non-profit animation studio that produces
short-form, fully animated videos to make the biblical story accessible
to everyone, everywhere. They create videos, podcasts, and study guides.
To learn more, visit www.thebibleproject.com.
We flash back to January 2015. The Bestal fan pin was picking up steam after Tim had called attention to a photoshop of Doug having his salad tossed in a Detroit parking lot that you had to join Bestal’s Morning After fan page in order to view…and in this setting you had the story of Emily Rask, the facebook profile that used a bikini photo of Paulina Gretzky, the Cat’s google search that led straight to a compliment by “Emily” paid to Willie on the Afternoon Delight page, Willie’s confused Sammie Sosa in front of Congress style deflection, the Rask profile disappeared entirely during a commercial break, another bad Willie poker face, Willie pretending to chat with the now un-deleted Emily Rask profile the following day…then a call from a girl? Nope, it’s Daddy Padre…
